The maid of honor just puked.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
