Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
