Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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