John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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