you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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