i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i out mim tonsoeep
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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