I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize