Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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