Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize