she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
