Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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