Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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