just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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