also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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