Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it was like eating out sand paper
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
