Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
