She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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