cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
