I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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