a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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