If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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