Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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