Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
