i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
