Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So much rum. So many feels.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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