I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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