Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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