So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
