We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
