Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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