I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
