I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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