Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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