lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
