I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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