get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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