I checked into jail on foursquare
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
