They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
