I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
