So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm at about main and main street
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
