She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
