Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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