my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
