So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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