If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize