I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
