hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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