you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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