a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
