If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
