My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
