If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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