I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
