Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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