fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
