You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
