Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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