my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
