It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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