she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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