Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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